me: Do you think we need to see a counselor?
him: I've already talked to a lawyer.
Almost six years ago that short conversation with my now ex-husband set my life on a course that I could have never imagined. I want to believe that my situation is not unique, but even now I find few moms who, like me, do not have primary custody of their children. When I made the decision--more on that later--I lost or at least became alienated from many friends. And let's not even go into the reaction of my parents. Suffice it to say they have adjusted and I can still talk to my mom because I didn't finish the letter from her after I saw the phrase "you are supposed to be the adult."
Maybe my experience would have been easier had I begun this blog earlier--and I don't pretend to be confident in my parenting now--but I have made great progress toward accepting the guilt and building a strong relationship with my sons (B and J.C.). Someday, I want them to understand why mommy moved so far away (200 miles) and could not be the one they came home to after school everyday. I have never been one to keep a diary or journal; what's the point of writing if you don't have an audience? So, I will share these memories and musings with you and then someday collect them to share with my boys.
This first post is just to lay out how I came to be the "weekend mom" (technically "summer mom" too as I teach so the boys spend most of the summer break with me).
When my ex expressed his desire for a divorce right before labor day weekend, I must confess that I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from me. Things hadn't been right, and I know now that I had not been in love with him for some time, but with two very young children (4 1/2 and 21 months) I would never have been the one to suggest we split.
At first, we planned to share joint custody. That worked well until June the next year, when I moved. I mentioned losing friends, right? Well, they couldn't forgive that I moved for a man. Yes, I, who had never had more than one official "boyfriend" and had hardly dated before meeting my husband at age 23, had created a profile on Match.com and met someone I was willing to move 200 miles to join.
(Just to relieve your suspense--we've been together since and were just married on New Year's Day.)
I completely expected to take the boys with me. Doesn't the mom always get custody? After I told my ex of my plans, he left the coffee shop almost in tears and then called me later. After growing up without his father, he was determined not to let someone else raise his children. He would fight me for custody.
My choices (as I saw them): spend thousands of dollars in court and create an animosity in what had been a very amicable divorce, or admit that my ex was a good parent and that letting B start kindergarten with his friends from daycare and letting both boys continue to live in the only house they had ever known made more sense than dragging them to a new house and into the middle of a new relationship. I chose the latter.
Was I being selfish? Quite likely. That's where the guilt comes from.
Did my choice mean that my ex and I can easily sit down and have conversations about the boys and can be supportive of each other's parenting (even more than when we were together)? Definitely.
One year after the conversation that opened this post I was living in a new part of the state, beginning a new job, and struggling to reconcile the sense of freedom I felt with the nagging realization my freedom might have come at the cost of my children's happiness. Now, I believe my boys and I are building a strong, if unusual, relationship--one better than many "full-time" parents share with their kids.
